Wednesday, May 28, 2008

10 Simple Rules for your bar's ladies' room

Originally posted to Myspace May 13, 2008
For some reason, girls behave really ridiculously in the Ladies' room at the bar. It is probably directly related to copious amounts of alcohol...okay it is most definately directly related to copious amounts of alcohol. At any rate, this list of simple rules is for you, ladies, to make the bar going experience better for us all.

1. There is no reason to take longer than 90 seconds in the bathroom. Pee, wash your hands, get the hell out. Use the mirror in your compact to apply a fresh coat of lipstick in the hall outside of the bathroom. There are busting bladders out there waiting while you try to make that mess of a face pretty. If you gotta make a number 2, go home! Nobody wants to smell your foul ass. If you gotta do lady related things, you have up to 2 minutes...but even that shouldnt take that long. Learn to pee faster. It's called Kegel muscles. Look it up.

2. If it's a one seater, go in ONE at a time. Don't go to the bathroom in pairs or in a group. It doesnt make it any faster; in fact, it makes it slower because you sit in there and talk about how hot that wasted guy at the bar is. I know you don't need anyone to hold your hand so that you can pee. If you need moral support to take a whiz, you need more help than another drink can give you. If you need help standing up, then you should call a cab.

3. Learn to hover. No one wants to put their bare ass on a disgusting bar toilet seat. No one wants to wait on you to carefully put toilet paper on the seat either. Learn to pee whilst hovering. New Orleanians should already know this trick anyway. Walls are great for support. And since you have been hovering...

4. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and WIPE THE FUCKING SEAT!! I know I don't want to look at your piss on the seat. And if in my drunken stupor I should accidentally brush my ass against the seat, I dont want your piss on me. And then there's the disgusting ones of you that somehow bleed on the seat and then leave it there. Umm....can anyone say biohazard? Thats fucking gross. Clean it up. Sheesh.

5. Don't vomit in the sink. Nuff said.

6. If you drop the toilet paper roll on the ground you should pick it up and take the top layer of paper off the roll and throw it away.If it got wet, you should get rid of paper until it isnt wet anymore. Do you want to wipe your precious petals on the bathroom floor? Me neither. Be courteous, will ya?

7. If you pull paper off the roll and for some reason decide you don't want to use it, just effing flush it. Don't set it back on the roll. You touched it. Now I don't want it.

8. Knock once, then give the girl another minute. If she hasn't emerged, knock again. Impatience won't get you in the bathroom any faster. You don't know if she just went in there and for you to pound on the door or yank on the knob repeatedly after a girl just got done undoing her belt, she's gonna get pissed off and will probably pee on the seat or worse. Give a lady a reasonable amount of time (refer to number one). If you are in the bathroom and heard someone knock or try to open the door, then you should hurry.

9. Don't cut in the godamn bathroom line. I don't care if your buddy is in front of three people and you are afraid of doodoo monsters and want to go in with her. Have her come wait in line with you after she's done if that's the case. Cutting in any line is rude. Cutting in the bathroom line is stupid. You might get knifed. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

10. Properly dispose of your lady products. Proper disposal means wrapping up whatever item it is in toilet paper and throwing it away.Proper disposal is not dropping it on the floor next to the toilet, sticking it to the wall, putting it in the sink, attempting to flush it, or eating it. All of those things are disgusting and one might kill you. Then again, if you're stupid enough to try that last one, maybe you should die. Ever heard of the Darwin Awards?

So, Ladies, next time you are taking a piss at the loo in your favorite bar, remember these rules. If you are retarded, print them out and put them in your purse for you to brush up on while you wait in line. If every lady followed these rules, the wait in line wouldn't even be long enough to read this. Ever. Remember that just because it is your turn in the bathroom, doesnt mean that you can take your sweet ass time. It pissed you off when the girl before you did it and it is pissing off the girl after you while you do it. You're an adult, so behave like one and be couteous to your fellow woman.
If you can't observe these simple rules, use the men's room. It's wonderful in there and they will love it.

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