Saturday, May 31, 2008

Socially Crippled by Modesty

There's a part of my personality that I've been working on overcoming. As issue I've dealt with for many years. It stems from ideas that were implanted in my brain as a kid and I've had a hard time shaking in my teen years and adulthood.
I grew up in a Southern Baptist home. I am the only girl, right smack in the middle of 2 brothers. My mother taught me extreme modesty, as if nudity was something to be ashamed of. Having a brother see me in my underwear would have been devestating. This all because of the way I was raised. I didn't have a wealth of girl friends as a kid, thus didn't have the experience many girls had which was you changed with your friends and didn't care if they saw you naked.
As I grew into a teen, this became a problem. I made more girlfriends and they always loved to change around each other. We'd hang out in one particular friend's room and try on all her clothes, her closet becoming all of our closet. But this was hard for me. I felt the need to avert my eyes from the other girls' bodies and tried to hide my own by turning my back to them or stepping into the closet. Changing into a bathing suit required a locked bathroom door.
The odd thing was I was sexually active at this time and didn't have a problem being nude during sex. But that was the only time. I realized I had some sort of attraction to females when I was around 13 and while I was "bi-curious", I never acted on anything until I was 16 or so. Even then, it was innocent enough exploration with drunken girlfriends. Never to be repeated once sobriety hit. I wondered if thats why I was so shy changing around other people, because deep down I was attracted to them and felt it wrong to see them nude. In retrospect, I don't think that had so much to do with it as my strictly modest upbringing did.
Now that I am grown, I still struggle with this. The thought of being naked in front of a group of people makes me feel sick and angry. I like to do extra work in movies...well not so much like as do it for the money...and have had offers to do nude or semi-nude scenes and am always completely offended at such offers. I always think "how dare you? what do I look like to you? a stripper??". It wasn't until recent years that I was even completely comfortable in my own skin; that is to say I've only just become happy with my shape and breast size. I used to think I wanted a boob job but I would never do such a thing now. I love what I was born with and think the fake girls walking amongst us are ridiculous.
But I still have problems and I feel stupid over it. Other girls can pose nude for photographs or for body paintings, but I never could. The only lens I feel comfortable being in front of is my own and that is because I have complete control over the photos and their distribution. I got ballsy enough to post an artistic nude self portrait in April and only because it was rather dark with slight highlights. It truly was a beautiful image and I released it to flickr in hopes that it would help me overcome my fear of nudity. It made me slightly more comfortable but it didn't help as much as I'd hoped. I even had a hard time releasing a photo that only showed part of my rear, which is a part of my body I am completely comfortable with.
Yesterday I went to a wardrobe fitting for a featured extra gig I landed. I felt like a moron when the woman asked me to take my pants off and we were just standing in an office with no sort of private changing area. I kind of made a big deal about it, mostly because I was completely embarassed to have to ask her to leave. She said she was desensitized but kind of looked at me like I was an idiot. Here I am, nearly 22 years old, and I won't get into my underwear in front of a stranger. Is that wrong? Should I have gotten over it? Then again, other people kept walking into the room while I was there and if I hadn't said anything, they would have done it while I was changing. There were men in the room directly outside of the one I was in and I could only imagine being spotted by one of them as I changed. I felt completly uncomfortable and as if I had regresssed ten years. The funny thing is, only a few weeks ago I ran onstage during a favorite band's show in my underwear and t-shirt with 2 other guys in their underwear. I was wearing spankies, which are more like shorts than panties, and I felt ok in that. But the catch is...I was rather intoxicated. I never would have done it sober and it took a little prodding to get me to do it in the first place. I got such a rush off of it. So why cant I handle disrobing infront of another female?
I'm thinking maybe it was because she just expected me to strip in front of her while she watched that made me uncomfortable. She didn't even offer to step out until I informed her I'm not one of those girls who just changes in front of other girls or goes to the bathroom in groups. Maybe it was because it brought up those icky feelings I get when I read casting posts that say nudity is required and that you'll have to show some creepy casting guy your goods, have your nude photo taken and hung on a wall, and then maybe not even cast. When I was in the casting office, I saw a board made up for one of the actresses with snapshots of her different outfits. Each one had a label next to it saying what scene it was for (i.e. Maxim party, at Hotel, etc). One photo said next to it "Show Breasts" and something about that got under my skin. I couldnt explain it.
I've been working for a body painter lately who paints girls fully nude. I'd never be able to pose for him. Firstly, because he does a photo session with interested girls first. They aren't artistic photos, just poor quality point and shoot images of the girls in various poses. While this step is necessary, him showing any old friend who walks in his gallery these images is not. Once painted, a girl doesnt feel as nude as she really is. But in that first session, she's completely vulnerable and may have no idea that he'll show these images to other people or that he isn't as objective and professional of an artist as he comes off as. He can be completely pervy, which I can handle, but I know better than to disrobe for him. Why does this sit so terribly with me? He refers to one girl he painted as "the big girl" and I've asked him to stop. It seems highly disrespectful of the model, who was rather big. But can't he say "the stained glass piece" or "Jena" which is her name. He got offended that I even asked him to change the way he referred to her. I've heard him say it to many people that walk in the gallery when he refers to that particular photo.
All these things add up to make one very confused, very uncomfortable girl. I'd like to do nude photo shoots of other people, females in particular, because the female form is a very beautiful thing. But I have a hard time asking girls to pose for me which is why I havent yet. I've had friends offer to pose nude or semi-nude for me and I just can't take them up on it. I wouldnt be comfortable trying to direct their naked bodies for hours when I have to hang out with them. Then again, maybe it will be easier than I think. Maybe its just the anxiety that I have associated with nudity that make me think it will be hard. I'm doing my first personally orchestrated body painting shoot next week. The model is someone who has posed nude before and I dont know very well so I dont feel uncomfortable about it. Plus, she will be fully painted, is going to be posed to hide her lady bits, and the painting is a great one that is making a statement. A cause-worthy piece that everyone involved is super excited about.
Maybe more shoots like this will loosen me up about my own body. Maybe I will never change. Maybe I'll always be this weirded-out freak of a little girl trapped in a woman's body whenever someone mentions my own nudity. Maybe it was being teased for having small breasts when I was younger (too young to should have been having to worry about it) that has gotten me uptight about it. Maybe my mother was too strict about walking to the bedroom in a towel after a shower or telling me to not shower at friend's houses. Maybe it's my knowledge that the general male (and some of the female) population can't seperate nudity from sex and will always view my nude body this way. Maybe its because so many pervy photographers only become photographers to get chicks naked in front of their camera that I wont pose for other men. Hell, I probably wouldnt even pose for a female because that stuff might end up in front of a male audience. Maybe I could ramble on about this all day and never have it make more sense to me.
What do you think?

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

10 Simple Rules for your bar's ladies' room

Originally posted to Myspace May 13, 2008
For some reason, girls behave really ridiculously in the Ladies' room at the bar. It is probably directly related to copious amounts of alcohol...okay it is most definately directly related to copious amounts of alcohol. At any rate, this list of simple rules is for you, ladies, to make the bar going experience better for us all.

1. There is no reason to take longer than 90 seconds in the bathroom. Pee, wash your hands, get the hell out. Use the mirror in your compact to apply a fresh coat of lipstick in the hall outside of the bathroom. There are busting bladders out there waiting while you try to make that mess of a face pretty. If you gotta make a number 2, go home! Nobody wants to smell your foul ass. If you gotta do lady related things, you have up to 2 minutes...but even that shouldnt take that long. Learn to pee faster. It's called Kegel muscles. Look it up.

2. If it's a one seater, go in ONE at a time. Don't go to the bathroom in pairs or in a group. It doesnt make it any faster; in fact, it makes it slower because you sit in there and talk about how hot that wasted guy at the bar is. I know you don't need anyone to hold your hand so that you can pee. If you need moral support to take a whiz, you need more help than another drink can give you. If you need help standing up, then you should call a cab.

3. Learn to hover. No one wants to put their bare ass on a disgusting bar toilet seat. No one wants to wait on you to carefully put toilet paper on the seat either. Learn to pee whilst hovering. New Orleanians should already know this trick anyway. Walls are great for support. And since you have been hovering...

4. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and WIPE THE FUCKING SEAT!! I know I don't want to look at your piss on the seat. And if in my drunken stupor I should accidentally brush my ass against the seat, I dont want your piss on me. And then there's the disgusting ones of you that somehow bleed on the seat and then leave it there. Umm....can anyone say biohazard? Thats fucking gross. Clean it up. Sheesh.

5. Don't vomit in the sink. Nuff said.

6. If you drop the toilet paper roll on the ground you should pick it up and take the top layer of paper off the roll and throw it away.If it got wet, you should get rid of paper until it isnt wet anymore. Do you want to wipe your precious petals on the bathroom floor? Me neither. Be courteous, will ya?

7. If you pull paper off the roll and for some reason decide you don't want to use it, just effing flush it. Don't set it back on the roll. You touched it. Now I don't want it.

8. Knock once, then give the girl another minute. If she hasn't emerged, knock again. Impatience won't get you in the bathroom any faster. You don't know if she just went in there and for you to pound on the door or yank on the knob repeatedly after a girl just got done undoing her belt, she's gonna get pissed off and will probably pee on the seat or worse. Give a lady a reasonable amount of time (refer to number one). If you are in the bathroom and heard someone knock or try to open the door, then you should hurry.

9. Don't cut in the godamn bathroom line. I don't care if your buddy is in front of three people and you are afraid of doodoo monsters and want to go in with her. Have her come wait in line with you after she's done if that's the case. Cutting in any line is rude. Cutting in the bathroom line is stupid. You might get knifed. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

10. Properly dispose of your lady products. Proper disposal means wrapping up whatever item it is in toilet paper and throwing it away.Proper disposal is not dropping it on the floor next to the toilet, sticking it to the wall, putting it in the sink, attempting to flush it, or eating it. All of those things are disgusting and one might kill you. Then again, if you're stupid enough to try that last one, maybe you should die. Ever heard of the Darwin Awards?

So, Ladies, next time you are taking a piss at the loo in your favorite bar, remember these rules. If you are retarded, print them out and put them in your purse for you to brush up on while you wait in line. If every lady followed these rules, the wait in line wouldn't even be long enough to read this. Ever. Remember that just because it is your turn in the bathroom, doesnt mean that you can take your sweet ass time. It pissed you off when the girl before you did it and it is pissing off the girl after you while you do it. You're an adult, so behave like one and be couteous to your fellow woman.
If you can't observe these simple rules, use the men's room. It's wonderful in there and they will love it.

Widespread Hate

Originally posted to Myspace on May 08, 2008

In the midst of having a beautiful day and just before an incredible sunset, my friend Nick and I witnessed something truly disgusting and disheartening.
It kind of felt like we were in a movie. We'd just finished scarfing down a dozen raw oysters a piece at Cooter Brown's and decided to take our beers to go for a walk on the levee. We walked until we saw a spot that the river hadn't completely flooded. We found a spot where at a electrical power's base and saw that a man was taking photos of a woman standing on one of its legs. We were about 100 feet out or so and saw a group of young black boys watching the photo shoot from the top of the levee. Then some of them ran down for a closer look and I wondered if the woman was topless. As we got closer, we saw her extend her leg and noticed that it was quite muscular. Then we saw that her shoulders were quite broad. And then Nick put together that this woman in a floppy woman's summer hat, heels, and a skirt, was actually a man.
The kids seemed cute and harmless at first. A good 10 or 15 of them between the ages of 11-14 I'm guessing. They all got together and posed for the photographer. It seemed innocent enough as they started yelling things like "You like dudes?" "This for a gay magazine?". But then their mood changed. They started yelling things like "fucking faggot" "Your supposed to like pussy, not dick" "are you a queer? fucking queer" At this point we were standing on the back of the levee, 10 feet away watching it unfold. The photographer helped his subject down and he proudly sashayed away in his white high heels. We said hi to them and exchanged worried glances as I hoped these kids didn't get out of hand.
The two walked up the levee as the kids followed them. One of them picked up 2 large pieces of driftwood and started after them. "You like sticks?" he asked. "I got some fucking sticks for you you fucking queer". The photographer turned and gave them a warning look but continued on. He was no match for that many kids. The one with the sticks looked as if he meant business and I was worried he was going to attack them. Another kid stood over a dead seagull at the bottom of the levee, disinterested in that mode of hate, and called to his friends "Hey! Come spit on this bird!". But they were too busy abusing live people to abuse poor dead animals.
The boy dropped the sticks saying "I should beat that faggots ass." As they started down the other side of the levee, another kid picked up the sticks and hummed them in their direction while another yelled "HIT HIM! HIT HIM!". I don't know if it made contact because I couldn't see. Then they retreated back to where the kid had drug the dead bird up the levee. It was then that they spotted us walking towards the river. "I want that girl in the pink shirt!" one yelled. "Hey you! Hey girl!". Nick turned his head but I told him to just ignore them as I did. After a minute of yelling at us with no reaction, they stopped and went about abusing the bird.
We shook our heads at each other. I said "It isn't like they were born that way. Someone taught them to hate like that." No one is ever born with that much hate. People hate others for their race, their sexual orientation, their religion, because someone taught them to. Whether it was their parents, someone else's parents, their peers (who were taught by someone else) or even someone at their school or church, these kids were taught from the get go to hate. It's sad.
They say tolerance should be taught in schools. While that is partially correct, the word "tolerance" gives the notion that something needs to be tolerated...which is to say that there is something wrong with it and one should just learn to deal with it. What needs to be taught is acceptance. Kids need to learn to ACCEPT other peoples differences and, maybe in time, they can learn to embrace them.
It all reminded me of the many instances where gays have been beaten to death simply for being gay. I don't know what I would have done if that would have happened in front of me.